I like to spread the word when something positive is published about paternity leave or being a father. In May this year, Sarah Tomczak and Jaron James both wrote in The Guardian about their rewarding experience sharing maternity/paternity leave. This is the first positive write-up I’ve seen (let me know if you’ve come across any others) and even this wasn’t devoid of negativity given that Jaron took the leave under ‘duress’.
I also don’t think the couple’s experience was so authoritative that The Guardian could introduce them with ‘if you’re planning to do it, here’s what you should know first.’ Sadly, this didn’t stop them.
“Is it just me who finds it extremely attractive to see a man interact, with interest, with a child?”
Luckily it was positive overall. And revealing.
I nearly spat out my chai latte (vanilla) when I read that one of Sarah’s friends actually questioned whether they still had sex given that Jaron was now so emasculated. I nodded along with Sarah: if even women have this opinion, how are we ever going to gain equality? Is it just me who finds it extremely attractive to see a man interact, with interest, with a child? Quite frankly I’m more impressed by a person – and I mean man or woman- managing the behaviour and needs of a toddler with sublime manipulation than I would be watching it in a boardroom. Yes, I do value a suit. But the toddler is far more challenging than a group of adults who are probably checking out their reflection in the windows.
And where’s the line drawn? If looking after a baby is emasculating a man, is housework? Aren’t we supposed to be past this idea by now? Perhaps I’m biased from growing up in a house where my mum did the DIY and my dad did the washing but is there something terribly unattractive about a man with his hands in a bowl of water rhythmically moving his hand across plates? I think not.
Perhaps Emma Watson should re-name her campaign She&HeforShe.
Another barrier for women the article raises is the difficulty in letting go. Sarah describes this really well. Starting off as the primary care giver, she has to relinquish control and hand it over to her partner. That’s difficult, but essential if he is to really feel in the role. And I think that’s important, but maybe I’m still being influenced by What Alice Forgot. If someone is coming out of a career, they’ll need to get similar experiences from raising a child. They can only do that if they have autonomy. Jaron says, ‘ I find more successes to win at home with the kids than I did in a normal week at work.’ It can only be this rewarding if he’s built up his own systems. Without it, he would just be a puppet. And that’s degrading to anyone, regardless of gender.
One of my negative feelings about having a child comes from the idea of drifting away from a partner. If they are going off to work and socialising while I’m at home immersed in nappies, how could we possibly continue to have the same relationship? Perhaps you’re not. Perhaps growth is the point. But what’s refreshing about Sarah and Jaron are that they both have the same experiences and so they can understand exactly how looking after a child feels. There’s a connection there. Rather than dividing them, the child is bonding them further. That sounds much nicer!
The most heart-warming section of the article for me was Jaron’s description of his children choosing him sometimes and not just his wife. It’s a testament to the idea that while motherly instinct has its place, it is not so over-powering that time cannot enable men to take an equal role. What’s important is that Jaron valued that: if he didn’t, it wouldn’t have happened. He utilised the time, getting to know his children, learning and adapting to their needs like he would in any other job. He cherished the time. And as a result he and his wife can now fully empathise with each other. They can feel equally important. And, as Sarah says, they are both focusing on different activities and manners with their children, opening them up to a wider scope of experiences.
If only this was open to a wider scope of children.
Thanks for reading! Let me know your thoughts below!
The Motherhood Choice 